Sunday, December 21, 2014 · 8:26 a.m.

Five things guys should never do to their bodies

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I’ve always been a part of the less-is-more school of thought when it comes to my body. I use it as a tool to get my work done. To me, my body has never been a canvas for art or something I felt the need to flaunt in order to attract sexual partners. Maybe I’m just lazy? Regardless, I see men doing completely ridiculous things to their bodies, and I wonder why. So, if you fall into one of these categories listed below, please help me understand.

Frosted tips
Well, first of all, I don’t know if I understand why someone needs to have tips in the first place. Tips are essentially just spikes in your hair. Many celebrities have a variation of this style, but it’s rare to see the average citizen pull this look together. Typically, you just seem as if you are purposefully trying to deflect the attention of the opposite sex. When we “frost” our tips—thus adding a lighter shade to just the very ends of the spikes—we are entering a phase of style commonly referred to as “douchebag.” Of course, my therapist would tell me that my ire against such individuals is possibly a reflection of my own lacking hair situation. This isn’t true, however, because I would much rather have zero hair than frosted, tipped, douchebag hair. Sho’ nuff. 

Butt waxing
Perhaps my sex life is mundane compared to most, but never have I been in a situation where someone would’ve even noticed that I had removed all of the hair from my butt with hot wax. I have friends who have done a “full Brazilian,” and they tell me the pain is worth the effort. Perhaps I can see the benefit of waxing unsightly pubic hair, but I think I have to draw the line with my butt. Hygienically, I don’t know if having less or more hair back there is healthier or not. I imagine the regrowth of hair would be an unpleasant experience. And I certainly don’t want to have more reasons to scratch my butt throughout the day than I already have. The sexual benefits seem to be very minimal, with the exception of a few very kinky scenarios that I cannot relay on a family-friendly website. Guys, tell me why butt waxing is a good idea.

Chinstraps
Just grow a beard, man! A full beard is a sexy, masculine expression of dominance over lesser men. A pencil-thin chinstrap on a guy is like having those rubber testicles hanging off your truck. You think it means one thing, but everybody else knows it means you are overcompensating for something else. Ladies, I’m looking to you: Why do you find chinstraps sexy on a guy? Maybe I should ask first if you find them sexy. Does it accentuate their personality? Are you able to look past the style into their deeper, frightened inner child that is subconsciously screaming, “Hold me, please!” 

Labret piercing
The dreaded labret piercing on a guy—like chinstraps and frosted tips, the only way you could outwardly encourage people to judge you even more incessantly is to be a dude with a stud in your chin. At least you can hide a tongue ring or at least become proficient in your ability to talk while wearing one. I care not what you do to your body, but I don’t understand the lifestyle associated with the labret. What is the motivation? What is going through your head on the day you wake up and say to yourself, “I’m getting my chin studded”? Can you use it as weapon? Pertinent questions are being asked, and I need answers.

Impromptu tattoos
I love tattoos. They are incredibly sexy on females, especially if they are either personally meaningful or aesthetically beautiful. I can completely understand the reasoning behind wanting to have one and wanting to show it off. Some of my guy friends have tattoos that are among the most beautiful representations of art that I’ve ever seen. I get this. What I don’t understand is the kneejerk, spur of the moment, perhaps drunken decision to get a starfish around your belly button in Woodstock, Ga., at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night. Did you once love deeply a pet starfish? That’s cool. I respect this. However, doing something this permanent on a whim ... not so much. To be honest, I see a tattoo in my future. But I don’t know what it will look like, nor do I feel a strong enough attachment to an idea or object to bite the bullet. Why do you have THAT tattoo? I want to be able to answer that question with an unwavering, firm conviction. Eh, but what do I know?

You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.

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