Tuesday, September 16, 2014 · 5:27 a.m.
Print

I never remember who won the previous year’s Super Bowl, but I always remember the party. Seriously, I’m having to look up who won the game last year (Go Giants!), and even after that, I don’t remember anything about the game. What I do remember is the exact place I watched the game, who I was with, what I ate and, of course, how much alcohol I consumed. A Super Bowl party is so much more than a typical soiree with friends. This is a once-a-year event that deserves at least a nod of respect from the casual and apathetic. And despite the fact that, yes, it’s a boring football game, with a little positive thinking and creativity, anybody can have a good time. That means you too. Here are some ways I’ve enjoyed my Super Bowl parties in the past. 

Drinking games (look these up)
Most of us drink a few cocktails after church, anyway, so it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to multiply that number by a few for the big game. Beer is easy, but liquor is more fun. I think I even spent one Super Bowl Sunday drinking nothing but mimosas. Nobody cares what you drink, so long as you’re drinking. If you are bold and not a complete introvert like myself at parties, you can participate in an “official” drinking game. I’m not sure how an unofficial drinking game is different, but I don’t really care to know, either. Most drinking games involve you taking a drink (or multiple drinks), depending on what’s happening in the game or during the commercials. Participation in one of these games will do two things: one, keep you involved in the outcome and progression of the game; and two, make you mutter to yourself on Monday morning the phrase, “What the hell happened last night?” Regardless, be safe, and don’t do anything stupid.

Gambling (be invested in the outcome)
Sports and gambling are like peanut butter and jelly. You can do both separately, but it’s so much more fun to combine the two. The Super Bowl is your opportunity to try out both worlds, hopefully not creating a monster in the process. There are several ways to bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl. First, you can find a bookie, and he’ll place the bet for you. I know several if anybody feels the need to do this. I will warn you, however, that this is a slippery slope for a novice, and there’s a good chance you’ll end up with your legs broken and a loved one in a hostage situation. Instead, why not just play a friendly game of squares or pass the cup without losing your ass completely? Both games are simple, and you don’t have to know anything—or really even watch the game—to win money; you just have to be present. Using your own money to bet on the Super Bowl is a great way to force yourself in being invested in the game. 

Be the “chef” (bring the best possible food)
Sure, you don’t know anything about football, but you might know how to make the best hot wings on the planet, cook amazing burgers or make the best bleu cheese dip. Wherever you go—whether you are hosting or attending—food is a huge part of the success of your Super Bowl party. I would never show up to a party without some sort of “offering” to the masses, and I suggest you do the same. My go-to party food is easy, delicious and weird enough that you won’t duplicate somebody else’s dish. They’re called “&^@# you! stuffed dates,” and they are incredibly tasty to both drunk and sober partygoers. Here’s the recipe: Go buy some pitted dates, some maple bacon and a block of salty, hard cheese (I like Parmigiano-Reggiano, but anything will work). Stuff the dates with the cheese and wrap them in half a slice of bacon. Stick it all together with a toothpick. Then, you bake the suckers at 375 degrees for about eight to 10 minutes on each side—until the bacon starts to crisp. People will think they look like dog turds, but when they pop one in their mouth, they’ll shower you with accolades. Use this special Sunday as a way to flaunt your culinary expertise. I certainly don’t care about the game. 

Research, trash talk 
Traditionally, we’ve all heard that in order to be an “expert” at anything you have to spend a minimum of 10,000 hours dedicated to it. With the Super Bowl being this weekend, there just isn’t enough time to become an expert on football. But, if you’re anything like me, you can spend about two hours reading some pertinent material and at least have a basic grasp of what you’re dealing with. It’s called “fake it till you make it,” and it’s saved many a test/presentation and job interview in my time. Why can’t it work for the Super Bowl, too? In order to have a basic understanding of the game, you don’t need to look far. This is a pretty good tongue-in-cheek guide, as is this read from the BBC attempting to explain American football to Brits. Looking for more specific player information? Here are the active rosters for both the 49ers and Ravens. Finally, here’s a list of the major story lines to follow during a game. Picture yourself in New Orleans for the game with the official media guide from the city. Most importantly, pick a team and enjoy the revelry. And if you forget to research, just go ahead and trash talk, anyway, because the self-proclaimed “experts” don’t know a damn thing, either. 

Be sexually aggressive (the worst possible time to find a date)
Comedian Maria Bamford says that the worst environment to perform live stand-up comedy in would have to be a sports bar while the Super Bowl is on. Likewise, I would venture a guess that the worst time to make sexual advances on anybody would be during the Super Bowl. This knowledge shouldn’t stop you from trying. Unlike the suggestions above that encourage you to approach the game with a grin-and-bear-it attitude, I’m now suggesting you do the exact opposite. Ignore the football game, and focus on your own game—a game of sexual aggression. At no time will a person be more vulnerable for sexual advances than during the Super Bowl. Flirt incessantly with no regard to what’s going on during the game. Never take your eyes off the object of your affection. Try to climb on top of them during every stoppage of play. Whisper enticingly into their ear about what you “need right now,” and complain loudly when they shove you away from the television. This behavior should continue until the game is no longer competitive. Your sexual advances should wane as the game becomes less interesting. It’s your choice to let them in on the game or not. It’s part of the fun of the Super Bowl.

You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.

Print
Reader's Recap
Daily news delivered directly to your inbox.   sign up
Press Esc to close