I am not cool. I never have been cool. And I am cool with this. 

But I like to watch cool people and learn from them, and fortunately for me, this city is filled with cool people. I’ve studied them and studied them, and as far as I can tell, there are a few things that you, too, can do to be cool in Chattanooga. 

Here are a few ideas:

-At least once a week, allow yourself to be overcome by the urge to randomly blurt out just how much you love Chattanooga.

-Offer frequent, unsolicited endorsements of EPB’s Internet speed.

-Do your part to help others by dictating how others should do things you’re not willing to do to help others. 

-Eagerly share how much you’ve learned about the importance of community since buying a house in a neighborhood where the poor people used to live.

-Start a nonprofit to help other nonprofits not profit.   

-Weave the term “Gig City” into each and every conversation. 

-Strategically overstate the necessity of services that people don’t care to use.

-Utilize the free time afforded you by your trust fund to post endlessly on your Facebook page about the evils of being wealthy.    

-Gather a lot of people and spend a lot of time coming up with lists of challenges currently faced by the city that have already been gathered by a lot of people a lot of times. 

-Hate this article.

This piece is satire. Or is it? Bill Colrus writes about (in no particular order) news, culture and media. You can find him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or reach him at [email protected]. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.