Yes, it’s true: Chattanooga is home to the fastest Internet in the Western Hemisphere.

Launched and operated by EPB, the city’s insanely fast, fiber optic connection transfers data at 1 gigabit per second and has helped Chattanooga earn the nickname “Gig City.” The “gig” is transforming the way people live and work and has received a flood of press from numerous national media outlets, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, PBS, PC Magazine, PC World, CBS, Engadget, ABC, The Huffington Post, CNET, CNBC, Yahoo, Fox Business, AlterNet, USA Today, Popular Science, NBC, Gizmodo and The Economist.

Why is our Internet such a big deal? Consider the following:

-EPB’s gigabit-per-second connection provides upload and download speeds that are 200 times faster than the national average.


-Residents can get real-time updates about inclement weather or up-to-the-minute results of the elections they didn’t show up to vote in.

-Users can stream video without any annoying delays, skips or stops.

-Our world-class Internet provides an unparalleled online experience for unemployed Netflix binge watchers.

-The gig has spurred innovation and millions of dollars of investment in our community.

-The fast and reliable network makes it easy to use Facetime or Skype to network with young, talented professionals who’ve left Chattanooga for other cities.

-The gig’s advanced technology provides companies with virtually unlimited possibilities to meet their needs now and in the future.

-Companies can quickly and easily browse Chattanooga’s seemingly endless commercial real estate listings.

-Physicians and other professionals can share enormous images and files, saving them both time and money.

-The fiber optic lines that power our super-fast Internet also help EPB respond to power outages more quickly, as well as power money-saving, environmentally friendly LED lights that help police officers fight crime by lighting up dark and dangerous parts of town. Well, a couple of dark and dangerous parts of town, anyway. We could have had these lights all over the city, but, well, things didn’t work out. Our Internet is still really, really fast, though, and that’s what really matters.

This piece is satire. Well, some of it. Former Chattanooga Pulse EditorBill Colrus writes about (in no particular order) news, culture and media. You can find him onFacebook, follow him onTwitteror reach him at[email protected]. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, notNooga.comor its employees.

Updated @ 3:31 p.m. on 6/11/14 to correct a typographical error.