For every“five list” column that is approved by editors, there is an equal number of rejected ideas deemed “unpublishable” by my “superiors.”

Some of the suggestions I make are, in retrospect, terribly misguided or outlandish. Others were fought for with gnashing teeth and ended with slammed doors and regrettable, off-limits attacks of personal character and physical flaws.

Everything is fine now. I now see the error of my ways and would like to take this opportunity to offer a written apology to my editors-they make me sound like a more better writer than I acktuilly is [sic].


Here is a list of those rejected headlines that I fought so hard for and lost.

  • Five favorite fruits
  • Five thoughts about editorial consistency and an overall lacking sense of humor involving editors for online publications in Chattanooga, Tennessee
  • Five words I would never say in the presence of an attractive human female
  • Five thoughts on proper butt-wiping etiquette and techniques for dudes
  • Five initiatives that are better than any initiative ever proposed by a municipality, probably
  • Five best drunk escapades of 2014 (so far)
  • Five thoughts on that time I found a puppy and didn’t know what to do with it
  • Five champions of Chattanooga
  • Five reasons Dennis Haskins won’t return my phone calls
  • Five glaring plot inconsistencies noticed in “Saved by the Bell”
  • Five things I’m doing with this hand in my pocket (not naughty)
  • Five naughty things I’m doing with both hands in my pocket
  • Five broken news stories
  • Five questions I’d like to ask both Oscar Pistorius and O.J. Simpson
  • Five thoughts on high-fives while high
  • Five Red Bank secrets revealed
  • Five reasons it’s not my fault, man
  • Five reasons it totally is my fault
  • Five easy steps to using a roundabout, Chattanooga (Jesus!)
  • Five pretty churches despite themselves
  • Five reasons getting abducted by aliens is sort of fun
  • Five reasons getting abducted by kidnappers is sort of fun
  • Five questions with the Knoxville interstate pigs
  • Five wildly hilarious ways to commit suicide
  • Five proposed Chattanooga fundraisers that don’t involve music or cocktail attire
  • Five Usher songs covered badly
  • Five things to do in Dunlap (while on hallucinogenics)
  • Five keys to the “Chattanooga game” (or how to get a job in Chattanooga)
  • Five things I’d carry with me if I had joey pouch

This column, in particular, is 100 percent satire and/orabsurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset.The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not or its employees.