For every "five list" column that is approved by Nooga.com editors, there is an equal number of rejected ideas deemed "unpublishable" by my "superiors."
Some of the suggestions I make are, in retrospect, terribly misguided or outlandish. Others were fought for with gnashing teeth and ended with slammed doors and regrettable, off-limits attacks of personal character and physical flaws.
Everything is fine now. I now see the error of my ways and would like to take this opportunity to offer a written apology to my editors—they make me sound like a more better writer than I acktuilly is [sic].
Here is a list of those rejected headlines that I fought so hard for and lost.
- Five favorite fruits
- Five thoughts about editorial consistency and an overall lacking sense of humor involving editors for online publications in Chattanooga, Tennessee
- Five words I would never say in the presence of an attractive human female
- Five thoughts on proper butt-wiping etiquette and techniques for dudes
- Five initiatives that are better than any initiative ever proposed by a municipality, probably
- Five best drunk escapades of 2014 (so far)
- Five thoughts on that time I found a puppy and didn’t know what to do with it
- Five champions of Chattanooga
- Five reasons Dennis Haskins won’t return my phone calls
- TOO EXTREME (REJECT)
- Five glaring plot inconsistencies noticed in "Saved by the Bell"
- Five things I’m doing with this hand in my pocket (not naughty)
- Five naughty things I’m doing with both hands in my pocket
- Five broken news stories
- Five questions I’d like to ask both Oscar Pistorius and O.J. Simpson
- Five thoughts on high-fives while high
- Five Red Bank secrets revealed
- Five reasons it’s not my fault, man
- Five reasons it totally is my fault
- Five easy steps to using a roundabout, Chattanooga (Jesus!)
- Five pretty churches despite themselves
- Five reasons getting abducted by aliens is sort of fun
- Five reasons getting abducted by kidnappers is sort of fun
- Five questions with the Knoxville interstate pigs
- Five wildly hilarious ways to commit suicide
- Five proposed Chattanooga fundraisers that don’t involve music or cocktail attire
- Five Usher songs covered badly
- Five things to do in Dunlap (while on hallucinogenics)
- Five keys to the "Chattanooga game" (or how to get a job in Chattanooga)
- Five things I’d carry with me if I had joey pouch
This column, in particular, is 100 percent satire and/or absurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.