Chattanooga’s EPB stunned the world last week with the announcement of the first 10-gig communitywide fiber optic network.

But as impressive as that announcement was, the reality of a consumer being able to use the service is still a few years away. According to an EPB spokesman, a wireless router is not yet available at the consumer level that can measure that kind of speed.

Still, the message is clear: Chattanooga and EPB are once again “No. 1 awesome best” in the world in terms of Internet speed capability.

Needless to say, officials with other local attractions and businesses are growing a bit tired of hearing about EPB’s successes. Many of them-seeing an opportunity to hop aboard the accolade bandwagon-also made announcements last week with major implications in fields of scientific research, paranormal societies, religion and cryptozoology.


Like EPB’s 10-gig availability, these announcements were also wildly imaginative, forward-thinking and impressive. But only time will tell how (or if) our lives will be affected.

We at apologize for having missed the following earth-shattering announcements from other local businesses. It is our hope that this column remedies any ill feelings that may have arisen because of our neglect.

CARTA: Teleportation pods to replace buses
“By 2020,” a news release from CARTA began, “our entire bus fleet will be replaced by a network of teleportation pods.” According to officials, all current bus stops will be converted into teleportation stations, allowing for CARTA passengers to teleport to the location of their choice within the network. The pods will hold up to 12 passengers at a time and will serve “multiple flash stops” at light speed. For a substantial usage fee, an individual “space warp” unit will be available. “We’re still working out the kinks, but I think people are really going to enjoy this technology,” said one CARTA official after two halves of a test dog ended up on separate sides of the city.

Rock City: “See 50 states”
“Seven was heaven, but 50 is nifty” is the new slogan for Rock City, which is now the only attraction in the United States that boasts a view of all 50 states. A spokesperson for Rock City said they’ve known this information for years but were “waiting it out” for the best time to announce it to the public. “I guess since EPB is offering 10 gigs, we should go ahead and make our big announcement, too,” said a press release from See Rock City Inc. “You’ll be able to view all 50 states now from the Lover’s Leap overlook.” For years, the idea that even seven states could be seen from the overlook was suspect, but this announcement is a revelation. When asked how all 50 states could be seen from one side of the mountain, an official said, “You have to squint.”

Tennessee Aquarium: Finfolk Reef
If you thought jellyfish were strange, just wait until you get a look at the Tennessee Aquarium’s latestexhibit. “Finfolk are basically like mermaids with an attitude,” said aquarium ichthyologist Hal Jerlyn. “They can wade, swim and survive on land long enough to abduct human captives for servitude as a spouse.” Finfolk Reef will feature a replica “finfolkaheem” (finfolk home) lighted by phosphorescent sea creatures. Twelve finfolk will be viewable through glass partitions beginning in November, and once they select spouses, guests can begin reserving space for the highly stylized and ritualistic finfolk wedding ceremonies. “Human brides can be any gender,” Jerlyn said. “As long as a person can survive the initial aggressive breeding, they’ll be fine.”

Volkswagen: Unterlaufen
With all the negative media coverage surrounding Volkswagen’s Dieselgate, you might expect the German auto manufacturer to relinquish the spotlight to EPB for a while. However, nobody expected this latest bit of weirdness from VW. “What if a bear found you asleep in the woods without a body tent?” asked VW spokesman Hans Franck during a press conference on Friday. “Would you scream at the bear, or would you sit silently hoping it will go away?” Franck then removed his faceplate and revealed his slimy, lizard face before saying, “VW is ze bear! Ssssss! Ssssss!” Nothing else of note happened, but we thought it was weird enough to mention here.

Creative Discovery Museum: Build a Daddy Day
The Creative Discovery Museum offers activities that are both fun and educational for children. And now, they have entered the domestic robotics field of scientific studies. On Dec. 12, Build a Daddy Day will offer single mothers and their children (up to six) to use a variety of technologically advanced materials to create a new, sentient father-figure for their family. For $10 per person, attendees will use organic skin from local cosmetic dermatologists to wrap “daddy-shaped” robots. Once your daddy is finished, a small microchip will be inserted into the brain stem, allowing for a realistic brain function of a daddy at home. “A lot of families don’t have a daddy,” said one spokeswoman. “That needs to change. And we’re happy to be on the frontlines of the ‘build a daddy’ movement.” The microchip contains built-in motivational phrases like “I love you” and “Let’s play catch, son.” Robots will also have several attachments for purchase to aid in household chores such as cooking, reading out loud and cleaning.

This column, in particular, is 100 percent satire and/orabsurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset.The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not or its employees.