Once upon a time, there were three bears: Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Wee Bear. They lived together in a cottage deep in the forest.

One day, Mama Bear made porridge for their breakfast. But the porridge was too hot. So the three bears decided to take a stroll in the woods while they waited for the porridge to cool.

A modern-day look at "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." (Photo: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service)

Along came Goldilocks. Goldilocks was a young girl with golden curls in her hair; she was mischievous and full of adventure. As she wandered through the woods, she came to the three bears’ cottage. The cottage appeared to be pleasant and inviting, built with old stones and mottled with moss. Goldilocks, ever the curious girl, decided to see who lived there. She knocked on the door. But nobody was home. So she turned the doorknob. And to her surprise, the door popped open.

In she went.

First, she tiptoed into the kitchen and found, there upon the kitchen table, three bowls of porridge: a huge bowl, a medium-sized bowl and a wee bowl. Just sitting there. Goldilocks was hungry. First, she picked up the spoon beside the huge bowl. She dipped it into the bowl, pulled it out and tasted the porridge. But she spit it out immediately.

"This porridge is too hot!" she said.

Next, she picked up the spoon beside the medium-sized bowl. She dipped it in, pulled it out and tasted the porridge. But she spit it out immediately.

"This porridge is too cold!" she said.

Finally, she picked up the spoon beside the wee bowl. She dipped it in, pulled it out and tasted the porridge. It was delicious and she ate it all up.

Next, Goldilocks went from the kitchen to the living room, and there she found three chairs: a huge chair, a medium-sized chair and a wee chair. Goldilocks’ feet hurt and she thought she would sit for a while. First, she sat in the huge chair. But she jumped up immediately.

"This chair is too hard!" she said.

Next, she sat in the medium-sized chair. But she jumped up immediately.

"This chair is too soft!" she said.

Finally, she sat in the wee chair, and she found it to be the most comfortable chair in which she had ever sat. But as she leaned back in the chair, it broke into pieces. Goldilocks was left sitting among the splinters on the living room floor. Up she jumped.

Goldilocks went from the living room into the bedroom, and there she found three beds: a huge bed, a medium-sized bed and a wee bed. Goldilocks was very tired and thought she would take a nap before she started for home. First, she lay in the huge bed. But she jumped up immediately.

"This bed is too hard!" she said.

Next, she lay in the medium-sized bed. But she jumped up immediately.      

"This bed is too soft!" she said.

Finally, she lay in the wee bed, and finding it to be the most comfortable bed in which she had ever been, she fell fast asleep.

Meanwhile, the three bears returned. First, they went into their kitchen to see if their porridge was ready to be eaten. But Papa Bear, spying his bowl of porridge, exclaimed, "Someone has been eating my porridge!" And Mama Bear, spying her bowl of porridge, exclaimed, "Someone has been eating my porridge, too!" And Wee Bear, spying his bowl of porridge, exclaimed, "Someone has been eating my porridge and has eaten it all up!"

Next, the three bears went into their living room. Papa Bear, spying his chair, exclaimed, "Someone has been sitting in my chair!" And Mama Bear, spying her chair, exclaimed, "Someone has been sitting in my chair, too!" And Wee Bear, spying his chair, exclaimed, "Someone has been sitting in my chair and has broken it all to pieces!"

Finally, the three bears went into their bedroom. Papa Bear, spying his bed, exclaimed, "Someone has been sleeping in my bed!" And Mama Bear, spying her bed, exclaimed, "Someone has been sleeping in my bed, too!" And Wee Bear, spying his bed, exclaimed, "Someone has been sleeping in my bed and here she is!"

Now Goldilocks, rousted from her deep sleep by the sound of the three bears’ voices, suddenly woke up. Upon seeing the bears, she jumped out of Wee Bear’s bed and began to run. The three bears followed her from the bedroom, back through the living room and back into the kitchen. But before Goldilocks could vanish out the door from which she entered, Papa Bear unholstered his Luger 9 mm with a full clip of Winchester Black Talon rounds and—BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!—painted the wall with her brains.

"That got her," Papa Bear said.

"Bears 1, Bad Guys 0, right, Papa?" Wee Bear said.

"Now there’s blood in my porridge," Mama Bear said. "Disgusting."