It would be hard to imagine a presidential election more contentious than this one. With just a few days left before Election Day, the nation is weary, fed up and ready for the whole thing to be over.
But as bad as this race has been, it hasn’t been all bad. There have been some good things about it.
Here are the 10 best:
This is the most important election ever.
I’m sure you’ve probably already heard, but this is the most important election ever. Just like every election we’ve ever had. The most important. Ever.
This is a very diverse election.
If Hillary Clinton is elected, she will become the first female president in U.S. history. If Donald Trump is elected, he will become the nation’s first orange president.
This has been a very unique election.
For perhaps the first time in American history, a presidential election will be decided without any meaningful discussion of any of the actual issues affecting actual Americans.
Both candidates have a clear love for this country.
During a recent debate, Trump said that we live in a "great country," which he vows to "make great again." Clinton said America "is great because we’re good."
This election has reminded us about the importance of thinking big.
Trump has built considerable support by making big (and often-conflicting) declarations, as well as by making big promises to do big things, like building a big wall on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. Clinton has built a decadeslong career in Washington by telling big lies.
This election has reaffirmed the greatness of the two-party system.
Once again, our ballots will feature a number of third-party candidates. And, once again, we will reject them. Because this way is obviously better.
Americans are unified.
Regardless of which candidate they support, millions of Americans agree that the best way for all of us to come together and move forward as a nation is to hate anyone and everyone we disagree with.
We’ve learned a lot during this election.
We’ve learned the importance of proper email security. We’ve learned that celebrities can grope whomever they want. Most of all, we’ve learned that we never learn.
It’s almost over.
Just a few more days, folks. Just a few more days …
We’ll never have to go through another election again.
Not only is this election almost over, but we should take solace in the fact that, no matter who wins, our nation will soon be safely in the hands of foreign overlords who will be dead set on dismantling our democracy. I mean, we weren’t really using it, anyway.
This piece is satire. (Or is it?) Former Chattanooga Pulse Editor Bill Colrus writes about (in no particular order) local news, culture and media. You can find him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
Updated @ 9:57 a.m. on 11/3/16.