Imagine being at a bar when Jon Taffer from “Bar Rescue” enters the room. (Screenshot: YouTube)

Last week, the Chattanooga Beer and Wrecker Board suspended a local bar’s beer license for a month. The reason? A spontaneous “sex show” occurred at the bar.

You can read some of the details here. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t pretty. 

Now, you may not believe what I’m about to tell you, but I’ve never been around a sex show, to the best of my knowledge. Alcohol has possessed me to do a number of things, but never have I said to a friend, “Hey man, you wanna put on a sex show for these football fans in here?” Never. Not once. 

Sure, there was an ill-advised-although completely private-incident involving a variety of ice cream condiments and my nude, heaving body in a shower trying desperately to wash clean. But a “show” it was not. I like to think of it more as a private shame. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you about that. I smelled like butterscotch syrup for weeks. It was even in my armpit hair. OK. Enough of that.

Anyway, the point of this column (if one exists) is to discuss things I’ve never seen but would want to witness at a local bar. Likewise, I’d love to hear your “bar stories.” Make an anonymous account and comment below. I know you have some good ones.

Here are some things I’m waiting to see.

An old-school, Western-style saloon fistfight
I’ve seen plenty of skirmishes at local bars. These usually involved your typical bros being held back by other bros as they screamed, “Come at me, bro” and other sentences with “bro” in there. The best fight I’ve ever seen was after a NASCAR race at Bristol Motor Speedway involving the theft of a Dale Jarrett T-shirt. I long for the day when I’m minding my business at a bar and I hear that familiar squeak of the stool. It will be followed by a bevy of punches and table smashes; somebody gets thrown through a window and has a bottle smashed on their head. The ideal scenario would be something from the movie “Dodge City.” See below. An anticipation of one of these types of fights is why I always bring a lasso to any bar.

Vehicle crashing through a building
I’m not advocating crashing a car through a perfectly good building, but it’s something I’ve never seen in person. If YouTube videos are any indication, incidents like this happen all the time. Why? I once saw a car almost crash through the Elks Lodge on Dodds Avenue back in 2004. The car spun across the street and hit the front of the building, but it didn’t go through the structure. Buildings aren’t meant to be crashed through. That’s why it’s so odd. I don’t enjoy witnessing the useless destruction of property, but it would make a heck of a story. 

Jon Taffer from “Bar Rescue” enters
I love the show “Bar Rescue” because, despite his demeanor, host Jon Taffer really is trying his best to revive struggling bars and restaurants. If you haven’t watched, there’s always a moment at the beginning of each episode when he first enters the bar. Typically, it happens right after a flagrant incident involving an employee or at a seemingly random moment. The entire bar seems to swivel as he walks into the room, and you know that a dramatic ass kicking is coming. Imagine being in a bar-just having a vodka and soda or something-and Taffer saunters in. I would lose my mind. They would have to shoot the segment again and have me removed.

Dramatic employee resignation
It may be that I’m too old to be out at night when all the dramatic employee drama would occur at a bar, but I’ve heard stories about employee flip-out resignations that make me wish I could witness one. I’ve heard stories of employees breaking all the glasses in the room and screaming, “I quit!” while standing on the bar. I’ve also heard of entire employee mutinies-the whole staff quitting in one fell swoop because of some indiscretion. I find the back-of-the-house culture of most fast-paced restaurants to be a fascinating, well-oiled machine of productivity. But when it all goes awry, it can be one of the strangest, most surreal experiences for a customer to witness. Of course, if it’s a planned exit, it can be even more entertaining. See below.

Undercover karaoke
I have a friend from high school who went on to be a performer in multiple Broadway touring casts. She said one of the things they would do to kill time was visit karaoke bars in random cities and completely take over the night with flawless performances. Karaoke is usually pretty bad, so it’s surprising when professionals are thrown into that mix. I would love to be at a small karaoke bar one night and witness a Grammy winner sing their song undercover. Jewel did this in 2010 for “Funny or Die.” She fooled everybody, and it was wonderful.

The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.