Like him or not, President Barack Obama is coming to Chattanooga this week to visit Amazon.

According to a recent article, he plans to “discuss proposals to jumpstart private-sector job growth and make the country more competitive, as well as talk about new ideas to create jobs across the country.” All of this seems fascinating, but nothing we haven’t heard before. If I had the opportunity to interview our president-which will not happen-here are a few relevant questions I would ask him. Nobody is asking him the “tough” questions that affect our lives and that will, ultimately, determine our future.

What questions would you ask the president?

Mr. President, do I address you as “Sir,” “Mr. President” or “My Dawg”? I have no idea.


Mr. President, it’s no secret people are living longer these days. Health care technology is allowing people to live well into their 90s and even past 100. What are you going to do to make sure this doesn’t continue to happen?

Mr. President, are you concerned that rich people aren’t paying enough taxes? Or are you more concerned that poor people think that rich people aren’t paying enough taxes?

Mr. President, I had a nasty case of tonsil stones that flared up last night because I can’t afford to get them removed because of a lack of insurance. Umm … what are you going to do about that? Is that just something I’ve got to deal with, or are you working to reform the health care industry? Will it be completed by 2014?

Mr. President, you seem to have a loving relationship on paper and in all of the magazine photographs I’ve seen. What is the key to teaching your woman to behave? I’m having some difficulty with snippy backtalk in my household.

Mr. President, some people say you lied and tricked your way into getting elected … what is your favorite way to unwind after a long day?

Mr. President, aliens. America knows there exists a vast underground network of government cover-ups regarding extraterrestrials. Please tell us what weapons you have at your ready in case of an attack. Also, are the pending attacks from unknown beings or the more familiar “grays” and “reptilians” already walking among us?

Mr. President, how many pushups should I be doing daily if I want to die for my country?

Mr. President, it is obvious you are not a Muslim, right? I believe you are a Christian-American like myself and everyone else. However, my grandfather said they never found your birth certificate in records and that you “look” strange in the face. Please put this rumor to rest.

Mr. President, I’ve never heard you speak about the many Amish/Mennonite/Quaker communities in our country. Are you purposely avoiding discussing them because of a deep-seated hatred, or do you just choose to ignore them because they don’t have the numbers-or technology-to start an upheaval?

Mr. President, gold prices are falling. This is the only way I can pay rent. Can you make a phone call or start a war or something?

Mr. President, errbody in my ZIP is on welfare. I feel like maybe they ain’t even trying to get jobs because you keep sending them checks for doing nothing. Can you get them a job building something?

Mr. President, will you outlaw flip-flops and cargo shorts for dudes? This is getting out of control. Dudes’ feet are nasty.

This column is 100 percent satire and/orabsurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset.